The Unbridled Joy of Special Needs Parenting

46 min readNov 19, 2023

A Special Needs Parent’s User’s Manual for the Heart

The is the guide I wish I had found 20+ years ago when I discovered I was destined to be the parent of a Special Needs child.

My son has been diagnosed with moderate to severe autism.

The first half of this post is directly copied from What I Felt When I Won the Lottery. It’s needed here to complete the experience.

I Won the Lottery

I won the lottery… sort of.

I unexpectedly received a large monthly annuity that will comfortably support my family for life.

There was no lump sum, so I can’t buy a beachfront mansion, or go on a wild spending spree, but the monthly annuity more than triples my family’s monthly income, and since I was comfortable before, every penny of that extra income is discretionary spending.

I haven’t quit work, but if I do, my income still more than doubles.

Imagine you didn’t need to spend any of monthly income on bills (or work to obtain it). Every penny of that income can be spent on what you want rather than what you need.

That’s my life now!

If your financial worries were eliminated in a single moment, how would you feel?

What Would Buddha Do?

Practicing Buddhists strive to eliminate their attachments to reach enlightenment.

So how would a practicing Buddhist react to an enormous financial windfall?

Would all that crap about eliminating Attachments get buried under a mountain of money?

As an experienced meditator, I carefully observed my reactions out of habit and training even as the emotions overtook me. And I’m still observing the after-effects today.

It’s that emotional experience I share with complete honesty and candor.

Pink Floyd is always worth a minute or two of your time.

Honor the Muse

Please note that I’m anonymous.

You don’t know me, and you never will.

Please don’t reveal me or dox me as a challenge. I value my anonymity. Please, honor me in this way if you enjoy this work.

And realistically, if my mind or heart were wired for fame, I would lose touch with the feelings I write about here.

Channeling Polyhymnia’s voice is a tremendous writing experience.

I cherish it.

I honor it.

Desiring fame, her voice would fall silent. I don’t want that.

That’s the Spiritual Teacher’s Paradox. If you Want it, you can’t have it.

It’s the downfall of every Spiritual fraud.

Life Changing

I write because this was a tremendous, life-changing, exhilarating emotional experience — an experience that unfortunately very few people have.

And it’s the kind of story I want to read!

Relax, there will be zero gloating in my good fortune.

Dirty Words

If you read some “dirty” words, before you collapse in Righteous disbelief, note that these words carry POWER.

Fuck yeah, they do!

A sudden burst of anger or excitement is aptly captured by that naughty little word.

And everyone gets it.

I can’t destroy the World’s experience to appeal to your tender sensibilities.

  1. Accept it.
  2. Abandon Resistance.
  3. Feel Peace.

It’s a simple, three-step process.

Reader Preparatory Instructions

If you were planning a trip to the moon, you would prepare accordingly, pack your bags and so on.

This work is a long, emotionally-engaging read that emerged over weeks of inspiration and craft, driven by the energy unleashed by an empowering financial windfall.

This is not writing you scan for information.

If you want intellectual engagement, philosophical debate, mental masturbation, this work isn’t for you.

Pack up now and leave.

I shit you not. You won’t get any of this.

Go away.

I don’t want to waste your time.


This work is a journey.

A journey through the depths of the human heart.

Don’t skip around, jump sections, and think you’ve absorbed it. Take it sequentially, as presented.

The flow matters.

Emotional work takes time.

If you need a break, when you see those thee little dots, you are at a rest stop.

That’s a place where you can take an emotional breather, and you can re-enter the flow of the work without missing a beat.

Three little dots are better than a commercial.

You will also see boxes like this one that are asides, where I call out pretense, or excellence, and send ripples of Empowerment out to those who influenced me, inspired me, shaped my heart. I owe them everything.

You will also see many videos. I suggest you stop and watch at least a few moments of them to capture the mood.

Music moves.

Music Feels.

You’ll notice unusual capitalization. The Muse feels that capitals on specific emotions like Love signals I’m referring to the larger, deeper meaning.

I love to write about Love.

Don’t be distracted by the capitalization and wonder why I don’t follow the rules of grammar. Please consider that a Pure Heart needs no rules. It always follows the proper course.

I set your reader expectations very high. I’ve experienced this work many, many times during the writing process.

It moves me.

I believe it will move you too.

So take a breath, relax, and get ready to blast off!

Shock and Awe

Like a lottery winner, I didn’t know this was coming.

I was lucky.

Since I didn’t foresee this, I had no way to emotionally prepare.

Like a lottery winner, there was a specific moment when I realized my life changed.

No dramatic anticipation of a televised announcement, but I received email detailing the monthly stipend, and when I saw the number, life stopped.

A moment of “Does not compute” followed by…


No wait… That can’t be right…


Are you sure… No…

Yes? YES! OMG!




Elation, so strong and powerful, my heart raced, my adrenal glands emptied, every muscle wanted to move.

I jumped, chest up, face to the heavens, and expelled a bellow that deafened my neighbors.


The moment the elation ebbed, I felt the underlying power.


Money is power. Pure power.

The ability to do what you want, when you want, with who you want!

You gain outsized ability to bend reality to your liking.

The testosterone release hit me so hard, images of the Incredible Hulk pounded my mind.

Yeah, This video nails it.

Anticipation! Excitement!

My future visions immediately changed (my forehead heated notably for weeks).

My life was going to be amazing — better than my previously limited dreams — not in an imaginative, wouldn’t-it-be-nice kind of way, but in a concrete, tangible reality.

Fantasy plus reality equals exhilaration!


This experience is captured the original Count of Monte Cristo, time index 48:45 to 50:15. Richard Chamberlain delivers. The World is Mine!!!

Unfortunately, I’m not Richard Chamberlain, so my moment of initial empowerment was somewhat less polished.

My mind jumped to AC/DC Back in Black, and I rocked! Oh how I ROCKED!!!

AC/DC, You channel Pure Passion. Rock On!

Hearing my old adrenaline-pumping favorite with the added financial meaning of “in the black,” I danced in my living room looking like a drunken chimpanzee on roller skates.

I made Elaine in Seinfeld look graceful and talented.

But I danced. I danced, and I didn’t care.

Julia Louis-Dreyfus, People will remember that dance forever! It took Courage to do that. Most people couldn’t endure the ridicule and embarrassment. Kudos!

Yes to Everything

The initial euphoria caused a state of mental fog.

A thousand Desirous thoughts are suddenly activated with new importance, and each of these desires competes for conscious attention.

Observation is difficult.

Even an experienced meditator is powerless to direct, divert, or in any way harness the mental chaos in moments like this.

Like a rodeo cowboy, you hang on, rely on your spiritual training and practice, and go for the ride.

I sat down after dancing and found the thoughts concerning objects of Desire were loud and insistent. My desires, accustomed to being trapped in Pandora’s Box, screamed for release.

I opened the box, consulted my wish list, and I noticed the first and most impactful change to my psychology.

Suddenly, the answer to everything was YES!

Your Wish List

Indulge me in a brief thought experiment. Consult your shopping wish list and look at something you want and observe your emotions.

In that first moment, you will feel a flush of Desire; after all, you are looking at something you want.

In the next moment, the counterbalancing force arises and informs consciousness that you can’t afford it.

When your mind evaluates that thought, it will agree, and in accepting that information, the flush of desire morphs into a combination of frustration, longing, and dissatisfaction.

Life sucks.

Have you ever paid careful attention to that process?

Most people haven’t.

Desire lurks in dark place.

For more insight please read The First Noble Truth.

Willful Ignorance

Be careful you avoid the hypnotic trance of willful ignorance toward desire.

At first, it feels better to avoid feeling Desire, taking on the persona of a Holy Being, above such worldly temptations.

But this gives Desire a unique Power.

It can cast a spell on you so that you don’t notice when it takes the helm of the ship and pilots you into the rocks.

In this way, you can be secretly completely selfish and yet convince yourself you’re seated at the Right Hand of God.

It’s a wonderful delusion, full of pixies and rainbows.

It’s everywhere. And it’s everyone.

If you think you have risen above, you are delusional and under its spell.

Please watch this video all the way through, perhaps more than once.

This is the best, most basic explanation of the way life works I’ve ever seen. It takes willful ignorance to miss it.

Don’t Buy Stuff You Can’t Afford is pure comic genius! It perfectly captures the hypnotic trance of Willful Ignorance toward Desire.

As a bonus, it completely explains everything you need to know about managing Money!


What’s Old is New Again

When I looked at my wish list, my mind dutifully prompted me to feel Desire. In the next moment, my mind habitually reminded me that I can’t afford it.

Ahh…. but then, my mind evaluated that idea with new information.

Now, I can afford it.

Instead of following that well-worn pathway of feeling deflated, my mind said, “Yes, you can have that now.”

I was confused.

Wait. What was that?

Yes, you can have that now.

Really? I can have that?

Yeah. Why not?


This Family Rules! Exchanging Self with Other 101.

I looked at the next object. and noticed the same phenomenon. And the next one, and the next one. Finally, I noticed the answer was consistent.


Yes to everything.


Power up! Next Level! OMG!

My poor adrenals were blasted again, and again, and again.

I spent the next hour mentally shopping.

I emotionally purchased the Internet.

As each object of my desire was served up, my mind broke the old “you can’t afford this” pattern, and with each instance, I felt a euphoric adrenaline rush.

I was a crack addict who couldn’t put down the pipe.

It was as exhilarating as you can imagine.

After several hours, I felt like a Roman aristocrat leaving Caligula’s Nemi ship, pleasured beyond all expectations.

Golf is Life

I love Golf.

My father set me loose to wander the Sacred Links at age 9. My grandfather maintained the grounds.

Golf intrigues me because it’s a rare competitive sport where the actions of your opponent doesn’t impact your outcome. It isn’t a miniature simulation of war, like most of our popular entertainment.

Golf is you against yourself.

It’s a perfect mirror of your inner life.

It’s a disciplined part of my spiritual practice.

If you want to know a person’s character, observe them for a round of golf, and all will be revealed.

Pilgrimage to Pebble Beach in 1997. Standing on Sacred Ground.

An Emotional Orgasm

With my passion for the game, energized with empowerment, I looked up a travel package to Scotland to play the Open rota courses.

It’s a bucket list item — I started mine at 9 with this item.

It carries emotional juice.

As per the new process, I checked with my mind. A pregnant pause.

Wait? That too?

Sure. Why not. You can afford it.

Wow! YES!

The sudden jolt stopped my heart, literally. I had to prompt myself to breathe.

The euphoric boost launched me into orbit. I landed on the first tee of the Old Course, and I hit a tee shot over the moon and back again.

It was incredible!

I must admit, I let that feeling linger for a while, like the afterglow of an intense emotional orgasm.

Hold the Feeling

Per my meditation training, when I feel virtue, I’m instructed to hold the feeling as long as possible.

By holding sacred feelings, you burn them into your heart more deeply.

I’m well practiced at holding feelings in my heart.

That training both served me an harmed me.

First, it served me because, quite frankly, the experience felt fantastic.

But I also knew it was harming me because I was meditating on non-virtue — my own personal greed. I was burning the wrong things into my heart.

But, you know what, I didn’t give a fuck! It was too fun!!!

Desire won that battle.

There was glory in defeat.

See: Hungry Ghosts and the Magic Wish-Fulfilling Tree

Life Limits

I futilely attempted satiating my Desires — knowing full-well I was scurrying down a rabbit hole.

However, I noticed the mental process changed, but there were still limits, and suddenly new questions emerged.

Like all feelings, it arose, reached a peak, and faded. And in the aftermath, a new question emerged: “Do you have time for that?”


Wait. That might be a problem…

My mind stopped for a moment. This was the first downer I had to accept.

I am limited by time.

Hauntingly beautiful song with a really important message.

Crap! I can’t do everything!

I giggled at myself and went back to my search.

But after a time, I noticed that I still had a wish list, but the items on that list were there for reasons other than money, like not having time to enjoy it or the space to store it.

Items fell off.

Right now, it’s empty.

If my want is appropriate, I go buy it. No need to keep a list.

I live in the now.

This video is too long, and Eckhart Tolle never rushes anything, if you know what I mean. That being said, you can’t over-listen to him.

Eckhart Tolle, You are my spiritual Master. I commuted for years listening to every hour of every talk available. Repeatedly. Your wisdom seeped in, even when my attention waned. I would be deeply honored to sit quietly with you.

The Void

Several years ago, I arranged my life to spend several hundred hours in float tanks practicing Lamrim in total sensory deprivation.

Yeah, I know you thought I was odd.

That may have something to do with it.

Through years of meditation practice, I learned to hear the distant streams in my mind.

The voices and forces I animate dramatically are both the raging rivers and the quiet voices, barely noticeable, difficult to tune.

I had time to meditate in sensory isolation — lots of time. I developed a sensitive radio dial.

It’s a practiced skill, nothing more.

Like hitting golf balls.

I marvel at the Power of the mind. Anyone who devotes time to practice, can achieve this.

I’m not the first. The Buddha achieved this 2,500 years ago, and went way, way beyond.

He taught meditation.

The monks who’ve been following his footsteps ever since, same thing.

You are more powerful that you realize.

Much more powerful.

I’m odd.

But it’s the kind of Odd that piques your interest, doesn’t it?

A Big Event

After the news settled in, for about a month, I was on a major high, but then something even weirder happened.

But before I go into the details, additional background information is needed to understand why I enjoyed an intense spiritual awakening.

The Voices in My Head

I hear voices in my head. A casual reader might conclude I am psychotic, hallucinating my reality.

I am.

The consensus of modern neuroscience says I’m hallucinating Me.

This video is worth watching all the way through, many times over to absorb it’s Truth. Long version even better.)

As a special bonus, if you fully absorb this message, you will understand the Buddhist concept of Śūnyatā, referring to the Emptiness of Self.

(Anil Seth, I salute you! Everything I understand about neuroscience I owe to you. You are a Giant who’s shoulders I stand on.

When you read my descriptions of voices in my mind, these aren’t the loud insistent voices of schizophrenia.

There isn’t always spoken words associated with what I perceive.

I can give voice to feelings if I can parse their effect out of the chorus of feelings and thoughts in my mind.

It takes careful, mindful observation.

Enter Zen from There

An apt analogy comes from a Zen Buddhist story.

Master and disciple sit in meditation. The Master was calm, peaceful, open to life. The disciple was uneasy, his mind aflutter.

The disciple asks, “Master, How do I enter Zen?”

The Master sits and listens. Meanwhile the disciple’s mind is agitated by impatience for an answer.

The Master finally says, “Do you hear the mountain stream?”

The disciple turned his attention away from his disturbing thoughts and listens for the distant faint sounds of cascading water.

He observed.

He became peaceful.

His mind fell silent as he focused on observation.

After some time, and focused concentration, the disciple heard the stream.

Excited, the disciple exclaims, “Yes!, Master, I can hear the stream.”

The master replied. “Enter Zen from there.”

(the end)

Jack Kornfield, The Roots of Buddhist Psychology was Buddhism 101 for me. I’ve listened to all 9 hours many, many times!


In the Tibetan Buddhist tradition, practicioners attend large group events called Empowerments.

In these ceremonies, the practicioner is invited to accept a God-like image of a Buddha into their heart to attain specific benefits.

This is preparation for Tantra, the practice of emulating God’s or the best qualities of the Buddha.

You fake it until you make it, in modern parlance.

Being a voracious reader and impatient with bureaucracies, I obtained the book on Mahamudra Tantra and started practicing on my own.

I gave myself all empowerments, and I worked on everything.

Some practicioners would chastise me and question my realizations, but most recognize that the proof is in the pudding, so my realizations are what they are.

This is long, but worth the time invested.

Conditions For Awakening

Eckhart Tolle in the Power of Now describes his awakening.

He bathed in an an emotional cesspool of anxiety and toxic shame that created conditions for the spontaneous collapse of his ego.

It sounded rather unpleasant.

I wouldn’t want to follow his path.

Eckhart Tolle’s awakening was sudden and completely unexpected, and he did nothing to bring it about.

If the conditions are right, this can happen, but there are no guarantees. He might have suffered the rest of his life like so many others.

I had something similar occur to me.

When I Won the Lottery as I described it, I suddenly enjoyed a much higher level of Qi flow.

I was excited.

This excitement coursing through me for several weeks caused all manner of internal changes.

Practicing Tibetan Buddhism planted seeds in my mind. My sudden financial good fortune watered those seeds.

The seeds sprouted.

All at once.

Power Up!

Power Up!

Power Up!!!


At about 5:30 one evening, I felt forces brewing inside of me building to something. I didn’t know what, but I strongly suspected I was due an intense emotional experience.

I gathered my family around me, and I began hugging and later jumping while embracing my 22-year-old special needs son.

My son loves me unconditionally, and his love and mine combined to bring about the emergence.

It was beautiful.

After some manic yelling, and a few aftershocks, over the course of about 15 minutes the process was complete.

I was empowered.

OMG! I was really, really Empowered!!!

My heart light ignited, and I was ablaze!

Please listen to Heartlight as you read on. It will help you feel what I felt.

Steven Spielberg, The moment ET’s Heart lit up, my heart burst open and flooded me with joy. Thank you. It was beautiful. You’re amazing!

You helped me prepare.

Emotional Quasar

In the moments of first empowerment, right after the euphoria ebbed slightly, and I perceived the raw Qi power flowing through me, all my chakras were blown open, but my heart chakra channeled most of that flow.

I am grateful for my training.

To make sense of the chaos, my mind instinctively jumped to a Lamrim meditation I practice often to provide an outlet for the extreme inflow. The instructions for the meditation capture what happened.

…though the power of our pure intention of wishing love and great accumulation of merit… Infinite light rays radiate from our body and pervade the entire universe, reaching the bodies and minds of all living beings and bestowing upon them the supreme happiness of permanent inner peace.

My heart felt like a quasar radiating light with such intensity that it outshone the entire Milky Way galaxy by a thousand times!


Per my training, I held that feeling as long as I could, holding it, feeling it, watching it, marveling at the Power!

It was incredible!!!

Perhaps you felt my Blessing?

I assure you I did.

Imagine that experience!

Blast Off!!!

Geshe Kelsang Gyatso- 1931–2022, RIP. You were the bridge between our cultures. I owe you everything. I felt your Love. Thank you.

I request one last Blessing: Please, find me in the Bardo and guide me on my journey. I will navigate by the Power of your Radiant Light.

Take a break, that was intense.

Ponder this: Do pork chops float?

Behold the power of a jarring non-sequitur to clear your mind.

After the Ecstacy, the Laundry

Jack Kornfield wrote After the Ecstacy, the Laundry, where he describes mundane life after a peak experience.

I had to return to my life and see what skills and realizations remained.

So far, there has been little or no change since the experience.

I’ve calmed down, but if anything, my heart and mind race faster today.

In fact, many of the new skills have sharpened as my mind integrates more data and continues processing at lightning speed.

Whenever I am out in public, I find people gravitate to me.

Previously, I was a loner, content to be invisible. Now, people can’t seem to avoid noticing me.

It’s odd.

I now possess skills in team building and personal persuasion I previously lacked, probably related to the above increase in my charisma.

I also noticed a dramatic improvement in my ability to analyze situations that require strategy or military combat.

I guess the Art of War and the Prince combined with my studies of game theory and statistics.

Computer strategy games involving diplomacy and combat are child’s play to me.

Though I often disagree with the programmers’s algorithms, I quickly master the intricacies of their flawed systems.

Does that sound boastful to you? Please read How to Stop Violence in the Middle East and tell me if you believe the idea has merit or if I am a delusional fool.

My diet when from good to perfect.

My heart rate went from 50–60 BPM to 90–100 BPM, so my metabolism and caloric burn are off the charts.

It’s like I’m on speed without the drug.

I lost 35 pounds over the last year (started before all of this), and I sustain a trim 158–160 pound frame.

I went to see psychiatrists at the urging of my family.

Unsurprisingly, that was a mistake.

The signs of a spiritual awakening are also the signs of a health condition the medical community aggressively treats with medication.

Better to have this experience in India or Tibet where people recognize it for what it is.

As I mentioned in Daniel in the Lion’s Den at a Mental Health Institution, the medical establishment wants to drug the joy out of me.

I have been officially diagnosed based on multiple interviews with professionals with various levels of medical training up through a fully licensed psychiatrist.

I am bipolar prone to mania. I currently suffer from an extreme case of mania.

They strongly suggest I take drugs to suppress my mental activity.

I tell them to go fuck themselves, in a kind way.

Apparently, extreme happiness is a sign of a mental disorder.

Type 1 Bipolar is sometimes characterized by mania followed by a fall to a normal baseline on a repeating cycle.

Mania is my new baseline.

That’s what differs. There is no fall to a lower state.

I wouldn’t have guessed happiness is diagnosed as bipolar.

But in retrospect, I observe that few people are genuinely happy, so I understand why true happiness is perplexing to Western doctors.

I find their opinions amusing really, since their opinions means so little to me.

I am working with my personal physician to gather enough data points to establish a new medical definition.

I am bipolar with constant and unrelenting mania of only the positive pole.

The criteria for this particular diagnosis are difficult to meet.

  1. The patient must be jubilantly happy all the time, totally excited to be alive.
  2. The patient must display boundless energy and perfect physical health.
  3. The patient must have at least 20 years of disciplined meditation practice, Buddhist or Indian mysticism is preferred, Tibetan Buddhism being the gold standard.
  4. The patient must be interviewed by other Tibetan Buddhist practicioners (or whatever mystic branch is involved) who provide 3rd party legitimacy.

It’s a high bar.

If enough time passes and the mania fails to subside and the other pole is never even glimpsed, I am convinced the new diagnosis will stick.

You never know, the medical community is very committed to their erroneous point of view.

For more information please see The Morning After I Won the Lottery

When Will We Discuss Special Needs Parenting?

The entire post thus far has been preparing you for what you will read next.

Without the background, you would not trust me, and you wouldn’t have been emotionally primed to feel the more difficult emotions we will encounter next.

I originally excluded this long opening section, and the post lost it’s power.

You needed to be guided to this point.

Very soon, we will delve into the deepest, darkest place in the human heart.

Without preparation, you wouldn’t be able to take it.

I’ve done my best to prepare you.

Please read on.

Best Boy in the Whole World

If you read my bio, you see that I have an adult son with cognitive disabilities, a diagnosis of autism.

He’s undeniably special. In so many ways.

His disability means he lacks sophisticated ego development.

In some ways, his mind is a pure land without some of the strong negative emotions that burden many of us.

In other ways, his mind is unrelenting chaos and confusion, leaving him completely helpless.

He requires 24-hour care.

I still hold his hand when we cross a street.

When my wife and I recognized our Fate, his condition forced a lot of unwanted spiritual growth upon us both.

The Moment We Knew He Was Autistic

We had been noticing our son was unusual since he was a baby. Most notably, we were dismayed by the lack of eye contact.

He refused to look at us.

No matter what we did, he simply wouldn’t hold our gaze.

We were new parents, but we knew that wasn’t right. We carried on in hopes it was a phase he would grow out of.

One day, my wife came across a magazine article that listed the signs of autism. My son checked every box.

My wife immediately knew.

She showed the article to me, and I immediately knew.

We didn’t take it to be good news.

R.E.M. gets it.

The Incipient Error

We didn’t know it at the time, but in that moment of acceptance of his condition, we made a huge mistake that took us about 15 years to correct.

We thought this was bad news.

It was not.

It certainly wasn’t what we wanted. No parent wants to discover their child has limitations, serious limitations on his ability to contribute to the world or even take care of himself.

We had no shortage of friends and family willing to confirm our worst fears that our life was over and we needed to eat a shit sandwich.

We found support groups that further reinforced that we had endured this awful tragedy and someday, if we were lucky, we would develop a taste for shit sandwiches and choke them down as a badge of honor.

That’s fucked up.

This mistaken interpretation of our circumstances was the incipient error.

If I had known then what I know now, 15 years of heartache for my family could have been avoided entirely.

Saving you that 15 years of suffering is why I wrote this.

I hope you learn this lesson sooner.

If you want to really explore the power of incipient ideas, I suggest you watch the movie Inception. It’s incredible, and it makes the point I’m pointing to here better than I ever could.

The Going Gets Tough

Like most parents who discover they have a problem, my wife and I set out to do something about it.

This wasn’t a bad choice.

You wouldn’t ignore your child’s illness and allow it to remain untreated.

It wasn’t our actions, it was the spirit and intention behind our actions that created problems.

Our intention was to “cure” our son. To change him.

We were rejecting who he was in favor of who we wanted him to be.

We still want him to grow and improve, and we make every effort and accommodation for him, but while striving for more, we are completely content and happy with him, just the way he is.

That was not our initial mindset. At least, I know it was not mine.

This mindset was a toxically poisonous cocktail for my heart.

I rejected my child and insisted that he be someone other than who he is.

Not openly and overtly to his face, but secretly, buried in a dark corner of my heart.

Fighting and Losing

One of the most toxic attitudes I encountered feigns Righteous goodness.

The idea that I would fight for my child no matter what and never rest until he is cured, fixed, made unbroken.

This was a commitment to rejection.

I was setting my intention on fighting a battle against accepting my son for who he was.

I didn’t persist in this notion long, fortunately.

This was a war that couldn’t be won, and the only wise course of action was not to enter into the conflict.

Drop the toxic idea that you will cure or fix your special needs child.

Sorry to state this so bluntly, but you will not succeed.

The futility of entering no-win scenarios is the key lesson from the Movie War Games. It’s a short clip. Watch and learn.

Anger, Anger, and More Anger

Whenever most people encounter something they don’t want, they get angry.

This anger may be directed at someone or something, or it may be an unfocused rage against God or Fate.

It’s victim thinking, and it distracts from the underlying sadness.

When the parent of a special needs child gets the diagnosis, all their dreams of the future collapse in a heap.

Anger is the most common initial reaction, but if any parent digs deeper what they find is an endless reservoir of sadness.

It’s a despair and pain so deep you can’t imagine surviving a plunge into that cold water.

Yet, every parent must go there, cry an ocean of tears, and cleanse the sadness from the heart.

There is no other way.

Tears wash the stains from your heart.

Green Day writes some of the finest and most moving songs I’ve encountered. Masterful. This song aptly captures the death of a parent’s dreams for their child and the despair that follows.

The Soul Death of a Thousand Slights

The experience of most special needs parents when they take their child out into the world is a death of a thousand slights.

When my son was at toddler time, he couldn’t figure out itsy-bitsy-spider. All the other children could. My wife would sit and weep, powerless to do anything about it.

Life is full of millions of those little disappointments.

When my son was 9, we purchased a gum-ball machine because he liked watching the gum-balls circle down the track to where the gum ball came out.

He kept clamoring for gumballs, so we thought we might have to get rid of it.

We didn’t need to. I simply covered it with a towel, and it disappeared.

He could walk right up to the large gum-ball dispenser only disguised by a thin white sheet, and it didn’t exist in his world.

That’s sad.

These experiences are repeated over, and over and over again.

Each one is a painful reminder of his limitations.

It sucked.

And the main reason it was so painful is because we failed to accept his condition.

Each incident was a reminder of how fucked up our child was.

That was doubly sad because it didn’t need to be that way.

The Lure of Snake Oil

Desperate parents searching for a cure are susceptible to all manner of ripoffs by con artists selling Snake Oil.

This is reinforced by stories such as Lorenzo’s Oil where a parent really did find a cure for an unusal medical condition through dogged research.

Every special needs parent thinks they will be the lucky one who discovers the cure.

It’s not going to happen.

This scene is gripping. The worst news a parent could possible obtain.

If you have money, there is no shortage of hucksters willing to take your money.

We know a family that purchased a hyperbaric oxygen chamber for their home thinking it would be a cure.

I installed stereo speakers on each side of my son’s crib to that I could play brainwave entrainment music to influence his brain states.

We sat through a sale pitch from a doctor who was an expert on magnetic resonance therapy. It would have cost us more than a new car.

Many parents go down the diet and nutrition rabbit hole and determine gluten or wheat is their enemy. They embark on mineral chelation therapies.

It’s not that these snake oil treatments provide no benefit, but it’s certainly true that they don’t cure autism, and they never will.

The worst part of the sales pitch is when the huckster says, “what if this was the cure? Wouldn’t you want to try and make sure?”

Playing on the emotions of desperate parents is a ticket straight to Hell. The Passionate Rage I feel, beckons me to facilitate their journey.

Save your money, and don’t purchase snake oil.

Accepting The Awful Truth

Parent support groups and even entire charities devoted to doing something about autism share a common mindset.

Parent’s must learn to accept their awful fate.

This attitude is slowly changing, at least publicly, but privately, nothing has really changed.

For the most part, parents are convinced their child is broken, and they must learn to accept a defective misfit.

That is wrong. On many levels.

This will move you. Even misfits want to bring joy to others by simply being themselves. If only their parents could accept that. Sad.

Patient Acceptance

Buddhists call the process of dissipating anger from disappointment Patient Acceptance.

When I was young, if my parent’s became upset because I wasn’t learning something, their displeasure strongly motivated me to figure things out.

That approach is completely counterproductive, particularly with special needs children.

I developed endless patience, and through accepting him, I learned what acceptance really is.

Love is accepting someone exactly as they are, wholeheartedly, not wanting them to be any different.

That lesson took 15 me years to learn.

I wish I could apply it to my wife. We would have less conflict.

I hope you learn it quicker than I did.

The rest of this post is intended to help you get there.

This video may help.

Trigger Alert

Here is where everything gets difficult.

Really difficult.

What you are about to read will tear at your heart.

Brace yourself for pain, evil, the darkest of Dark.

Absorb this next section with an open heart, and you earn an A+ in Compassion.

You’ve been trigger warned.

1 in 10,000

I once sat in an Individualized Education Program meeting where I was given a report detailing my son’s cognitive ability.

It was measured as less than the <0.01% percentile.

Let that sink in.

If you are a parent with aspirations for your child, you should feel that one easily.

I felt the deepest, darkest black hole in the entire universe consume my soul in that moment.

There was little pleasure in it.

In fact, I recall no pleasure at all.

Have you ever experienced 100% pain in every fiber of your Being?

It sucks.


My son and I were the test subject for a cruel joke of an evil demon.

I was pissed off, and I wanted to do something about this mistake.

The Evil Demon

I chose to enter the black hole to confront the Evil Demon:


I was decidedly unhappy.

The demon embraced his experiment with enthusiasm.

He felt my Qi transfer to him, sucking my life force for his consumption, like an emotional parasite, but worse.

Because he felt my presence an unexpected bonus, he told me what he did, believing it would be more painful that way — tastier, nourishing for him, but never fulfilling, that’s the demon’s paradox.

The evil of his intensions absorbed my anger and strengthened. He was feeding on me.

Experiments to Maximize Suffering

He said,

“I created two Beings. I took the allocation of smarts for both of you, and for the lulz, I gave you all of it and left none for him.

Both conditions are rife with suffering, so both lives should generate enormous pain and rejection of life itself.

You will become a prideful and arrogant prick, in case you didn’t already notice that, and he will be toxically shamed believing his life isn’t worth living at all.

I have high hopes that you will turn completely evil.

I knew you would completely surrender life to me in a firestorm of anger and hate, and your Qi would feed me.

How do you feel about that?”

I was triggered.

The angry tirade of expletives from my anger and hatred burst forth, raging with the intense searing fire.

That motherfucker was going to die, and I was going to kill him.

I was going to crush his soul — make him pay for doing this to me.

I felt my Selfish Desire rise up infused with heat and hate, and flood my Qi with power.

I took action.

I directed this fury toward him in a ferocious beam of energy that would have melted an ice giant.

He absorbed my initial volley and laughed.

The Choice

He said,

That’s not good enough. I want more. Let me give you a choice.

I would prefer you live to continue to torturing yourself and your son.

You probably didn’t realize this, but when he looks at you, hoping to feel love, connection and warmth, instead he sees contempt in your eyes, it sends him the message he’s broken, defective, a complete reject unworthy of Life.

The world would be better off if he were gone.

It’s toxic shame, the worst, most painful sense of personal disgust imaginable.

He feels lower than low when you do that, and you do it hundreds of times a day.

Every day.

Day in, day out.

Torture, and toxic, searing pain.

I love it!

I absorb that pain, revel in it. It’s bliss, on steroids. And what’s better, the more you do it, the stronger I get, and the pain gets worse and worse.

The Power and the Glory are Mine!!!

Ahhh. That felt wonderful, just thinking about it, but I said I would offer you a choice, so here it is:

If you want, I can destroy your son, make it like he was never born. I can extinguish him from existence if you like. I can even remove the memories so it never even happened.

It would end your pain. That’s what you want, right?

That’s why you’re here!

With him gone, you won’t have anything to disturb your mind.

You will be able to leave this place in peace and have the life you were previously entitled to — you know, 2.4 kids and all.

What is your choice?

I thought about that.

In my angry state, it wasn’t a difficult choice.

Is my personal happiness more important than my son’s life?

I chose.

It was the right choice for ME.

I said, “Fuck yeah, take away this pain. Erase his defective ass and hit the fucking reset button.

The demon dutifully complied, and my son, and everything he represents was gone.

The demon paused, and looked at me, and asked, “How do you feel?”

I checked my feelings and noted, “Good. Relieved, my burden is gone. Thank you.”

He said,

Congratulations! You just committed cold-blooded murder!

And you chose it!

You wanted him to die — and you got your wish.

Your heart is twisted with Selfish Desire, and you harnessed it to commit an egregious, unforgivable act.

You‘ve proven you’re an able apprentice.

I said, “Why can I still remember? You said you would erase the memories.”

He replied, “I erased everyone else’s memory of him, so he has no existence outside of your mind.

But I can’t remove the heart stain of Your Choices entirely, so you must live with it.”

I said, “If I’d known that was the deal, I wouldn’t have made that choice.”

He laughed,

You can’t lie to me. You would have made the same choice either way.

You’re just upset that your desires weren’t satiated.

And why would you trust a demon anyway?

Pray I don’t alter the deal further.

Feeling the betrayal, I exploded again.

This time, he was going down!

My adrenals opened, every fiber of my being rose up for one final assault.

One decisive battle.

I sustained this hatred, beaming it intensely at him, channeling all my frustrations and angers until it reached a fever pitch, and I could no longer do battle.

My Qi ran out.

He won.

He glowed with a red aura while he absorbed my Qi, bathing in it, reveling in the power I surrendered to him.

As I lay there spent, in crushed defeat, I thought, perhaps, it was over.

And end to suffering.

But no.

Then he gives me one more fact to chew on:

I’m trapped in Saṃsāra.

I need to go back and do it all over again in my next life.

And the next one, and the next one.


Now, my failure was complete.

Hell is Inside, not Outside

When my heart felt the Evil Demon I sensed his hotline to Hell.

In that moment I realized Hell need not be a physical location.

True Hell — the worst place to exist — lies buried in the deepest region of the human heart, and you need not wait for death to experience it.

Cruelty of the Demon

Cruelty is an advanced achievement on the Dark path, the synthesis of indifference (absence of love) and malice (evil intention).

I find the feeling so painful, so toxic, I know it only to know it, I never linger there.

I hope you don’t see it in your heart.

Evil lurks in shadows.

Scrolls of the Dark Arts for Scholars

Dark Arts Instruction Manuals:

One: The Prince, by Niccolò Machiavelli. Amoral statecraft.

Two: The Art of War, by Sun Tzu, Statecraft and organized violence.

Three: The 48 Laws of Power, by Robert Greene, who probably thought this was a good literature.

Read them for knowledge, not instruction.

Unless you read them as a “What-Not-to-Do-Manual.” Then they become virtuous.

Funny how that works.

This is a great movie about corruption of Power.

Richard Gere, I believe Power, as a work of Art, Influenced both of us. Powerful Performance! Punny!

Your Purity of Heart Enriches the World.

I see you’re Preparing a Pure Land. I offer my Blessings.

Master Yoda discussing the Dark Side. You know the Dark Side from the Light by the option of Choice. Light gives Choice. Dark does not.

George Lucas, Yoda is the voice of your Wisdom. Watching Star Wars as a boy in 1977 was the most exhilarating adventure of my life. You inspired me to Feel the Force!!! Now, I do! Thank you!

<0.01 Percentile Report

Note to the Kind people that prepare Individualized Education Program test reports for family review:

No further useful information comes from high levels of decimal precision. The program recommendations will not change.

However, decimal precision does apply to parent feelings, and very, very low numbers exponentially increase the pain inflicted on parents who read that.

Just so you know.

I think it better to avoid that in the future.

Based on what you read above, generating regret to guide your heart should be easy.

You can relax. I’m turning on the Light.

I’m bringing in reinforcements, my White Knight of Passion. He will help.

Wherever you find darkness, the light is only one choice away.

I Hit the Lottery!

How likely is it to have a special child. Well, they measure that.

Mine is 1 in 10,000.

Talk about hitting the lottery!

Check out what I got in this deal!

Wow! I am Lucky!!!

My son never talks back to me with defiant anger.

Thankfully, he has speech, though content is limited.

It’s not content; it’s connection!

But he never angers me with willful disobedience or back-talk, so our household is peaceful.


My son enjoys endless play and fun.

It’s like living with Peter Pan.

We play Mario Kart, Wii Golf, real Golf, we hike, walk the dog together, whatever I want, and whatever pleases him we do as a team.

We share the same interests and activities. He’s a playmate for life.

Who wouldn’t want that?

Plus. Plus.

My son can’t be spoiled.

He never becomes indulgent and entitled like a typical child would.

I can give him everything I have emotionally, and he just accepts it with gratitude and lives a happy life.

I can practice Giving, on steroids, and there are no negative consequences.

Plus. Plus. Plus.

My son loves me.

He loves me openly and completely with no reservations, doubts, or fears of abandonment.

He feels his challenges and knows he needs help.

I see the gratitude in his eyes, I feel the gratitude in his heart.

I know the Pure Love of another Being.

Plus. Plus. Plus. Plus.

Wow! Four of them!

Who wouldn’t want a son like that?

And this isn’t merely “looking at the bright side.”

There is no dark side. He and his love are completely pure.

Exchanging Self with Other

My son is my Holy Spiritual Guide.

Every spiritual realization I have is from working with him.

I practice complete Exchanging Self with Other, abandoning my own will to fulfill his.

I don’t merely try to “put myself in his shoes,” that’s only part way.

I don’t imagine what he wants, weigh it against what I want, and try to compromise. That’s half-assed.

While consideration is essential for Kindness, a virtue, but it falls short of the mark I set for this practice.

  1. I ignore what I Want as useless information. (Difficulty 10) This never gets easier… well, maybe a little, but you never master it.
  2. I give him 100% of my undivided attention for as long as I can. Completely undivided. (Difficulty 5) It’s just focused concentration, something you should always practice.
  3. I determine what he wants, exercising my wisdom on appropriateness, then I practice Giving. (Difficulty: Currently 0, Previously 10). This area improves dramatically with practice. It’s also just good parenting.

This practice is both easy and difficult, exhausting and exhilarating if you do it on a moment-by-moment basis.

I don’t exchange once for a moment, go watch a movie, and come back to see what’s going on. That’s not it.

It takes focused concentration, until I permit him to practice Mario Kart or engage in some other activity by himself, briefly while I recharge.

As a side benefit, he demonstrates the Qi value of Play, warming my heart.

I find the practice so rewarding, Qi inducing, that I find the times of recharge are fewer and shorter.

That happens with practice. Everything gets better.

I can’t spoil him, so I can practice whenever I want.

He likes it.

The True Power of Narrative

Okay, we are going really, really deep here — Highest-level spiritual realization potential.

This is the key point of the entire work.

Pay careful attention.

If you can deeply internalize this one, you will understand the Buddhist concept of Śūnyatā, pertaining to Emptiness of Meaning.

If you notice, in the two stories, dark and light, the only fact involved was the report that said 0.01.

Nothing else was presented as fact upon which to hang your feelings.

Every other emotion that sprang from that fact depends entirely upon how I interpret 0.01.

That’s the incipient choice I described earlier.

Please go back and read the openings again if you didn’t notice.

It’s the key to understanding what comes next.

Deepen your understanding by reading those stories imagining my son was a true savant, a genius with a 200 IQ.

Would that change your feelings?

The emotional starting point changes, but the destination is identical.

How Love Transforms the World

Love is a Choice.

Why did the deepest darkest night consume my soul?

I chose no.

I didn’t want an autistic child.

Why did feelings of elation arise, like I won the lottery?

I chose yes,

I wanted an autistic child.

I encountered the fact about my child: He is 1 in 10,000.

I had a choice to make about how to interpret that fact and weave in into the narrative of my life.

I could choose to reject my child, and go to the Dark Side, assisted by victim enabling groups confirming my life-sucks narrative.

I could choose to accept my child, completely and wholeheartedly exactly as he is, not wanting him to be any different, and I go to the Light Side.

Neither interpretation is being forced upon me.

I have the power to choose.

And so do you.

Which would you choose?

Love empowers you to choose how you see the World.

Everything else follows.

That’s Power!

Choose a World of Love, and you Live in a World of Love.

Chose Love!!!

It’s Glorious!

Please listen to Bette Midler’s The Rose below, contemplate what you just read, and reread it as many times as necessary until the message opens your heart. It will explode with joy.

Bette Midler, The Rose is the greatest piece of musical art I’ve ever experienced. You are G.O.A.T. Thank you! Thank you so much!!!

Fundamental Truth of the Mind

From the Ultimate Divide:

Every belief in your head begins as a seed planted in Body Reality.

Some information in the outside world enters your awareness.

Philosophers call these Brute Facts or more simply, Data.

From there, you have complete control, to interpret the meaning of that fact.

This is the key insight from Victor Frankl’s Man Search for Meaning.

Victor Frankl (1905–1997), You came first. Your Clear Vision Shines in Man’s Search for Meaning. Master, your Wisdom Guides me.


Now you understand the mechanism by which Love transforms the world.

What would happen if you acted on it?

What would happen if we all did?

Imagine that!

Another song to enjoy and contemplate what would happen if we all embraced joy. Take your time. Feel it.

John Lennon (1940–1980), RIP, Visionary, Inspiring. My son Loves the Beatles!

If you felt that. If the realization stuck with you.

I suggest you sit with it.

It’s tasty.

One more song to drive it home.

Céline Dion The Muse flows so beautifully through you!

You may feel activation in both your heart and your solar plexus as you activate both your Heart and Power chakras.

It’s a body signal confirming you feel the Power of Love.

One emotional frequency you can tune into check yourself comes from Ernst Cline and Steven Spielberg.

It feels like discovering Halliday’s Easter Egg in Ready Player One.

Jealousy Destroys Everything

Writing this work was an act of pure joy for me. However, there is a downside of publishing a piece like this.

Jealous comments.

If you read vitriol in the comments, it will likely be from someone under the influence.

No word, no sentence, no feeling conveyed in the entire work as one ounce of motivation to make anyone to feel envy.

The people who do that are psychic vampires draining energy from afar to shove up their own root chakra to feel that wonderful elevating smoke blow up their ass.

No. That isn’t me.

If you perceive that, I suggest you look in the mirror and contemplate what’s to follow.

Jealousy’s Deep Roots

Jealousy has deep roots, but it can be toppled, or at least managed.

When you first came into existence as pure aware consciousness, there was just observation.

In the first moment of self-awareness, consciousness observes itself, and realizes “I exist.” Buddhists call this the primordial error.

In the next moment, comes the feeling, “I am important.”

And with it, we give birth to Selfish Desire, our instinct to survive and other primal forces needed for individual survival.

If my life were in danger, my Selfish Desire would take the helm to do what’s required, so I guess Selfish Desire has some value after all.

No, I Won’t Give You My Money

Linguists say the first two words in any language are “mine” and “no”, meaning “not yours.”

The newly awakened “I” desires resources to survive. My resources, my possessions. One of the most powerful life forces is my Qi and my desire to live — same for you.

It’s third step in the boot up sequence for becoming a self, right after I exist, and I am important.

Don’t physically attack my son or my family. The forces unleashed would be primal, as my family would appreciate during the time of need. This feeling drives gun sales.

For a million reasons, I don’t own guns, but I understand why men do. It’s primal. See The NRA is the Embodiment of Evil in America Today.

Since we live in a group, and some have more things than others, I observe things I want, but I can’t have what I want because of another “I”, that awful person I can project all forms of nastiness onto. And why did that occur?

Their my said no.

The root of jealousy is in every interpersonal relationship. It’s deep. And it gets continuously fed by Desire.

Every desire of your “I” competes with another.

Conflict is inevitable.

How Does Jealousy Express Itself?

The continuous flow of Qi diverted toward jealousy manifests in feelings of displeasure whenever we observe others’ pleasures, desirable traits, or good luck.

As you read this post, I’ve sprinkled clues about the quality of life my family enjoys, both materially and emotionally.

I can assure you it’s even better that you imagine in a million ways large and small.

Does that make you uncomfortable?

That discomfort.

That’s jealousy.

Strong or weak measures your affliction.

Feel it for yourself. What do you find?

If you struggle with jealousy, and you feel the urge to write some comment tearing me and my family down; Before you make that choice, please put your discomfort and angry feelings aside for a moment.

I want to help you.

Indulge me in one final thought experiment.

It’s long, but if you’ve made it this far, this will be your emotional payoff.

Why will this help?

My son is the beneficiary of all the goodness and empowerment in my family. He will inherit all our wealth, including the annuity. He has everything someone could be jealous of.

Yet, it’s hard to feel jealousy toward him.

He’s helpless.

He’s harmless.

He’s fun, funny, and entertaining.

He isn’t competing with anyone. He has no ill will toward anyone.

If he met you, he would only want the best for you and probably offer a high-five or ask for a big hug.

How could anyone Hate on that?

Wouldn’t you want joy and happiness to bestowed on such a being?

Compassion can’t be completely dead in you.

In a dog-eat-dog world, he would be the first casualty.

Surely you can feel something for a person like that, can’t you?

Give me a Reason

Explore the reasons you normally feel jealousy toward someone.

When you compare yourself to others, which is a good practice to abandon, what are your areas of comparison?

Smarts, looks, charm, achievements, wealth?

No matter how you compare yourself to my son, you will find that my son is not competing with you.

If you compete with him, you win.


We hit that one pretty hard.

You are smarter than he is.

Good Looking

Okay, he’s good looking (a vain father will agree), but what does “good looking” get you?

He didn’t achieve (endure) the emotional maturing that typically accompanies puberty.

He has no friends or outside relationships, and he will never have a one-on-one interpersonal relationship.

He will remain a virgin his entire life.

You probably don’t want that.

For more insight, see Pride and Arrogance, the Price for Being Gifted.


My son has no social circle or fame of any kind, nor does he desire it.

He does have personal charisma, a smile that melts hearts, but he doesn’t do anything with it.

He hasn’t created a persona like Bill Murray to live out his life through that character. Any value you might gain from charisma is lost on him.

Not much to be jealous of here.

Bill Murray, Golf history records you as G.O.A.T. I admire your Qi and free spirit. Your most underrated performance is The Razor’s Edge. You inspire me!

BTW, your reasoning for not joining a Monastery in Stripes (NSFW). That actually changed my life. I never again considered that path. As a teen, I failed to see the advantages of a monastic life. ~~wink~~

Harold Ramis (1944–2014) RIP. You both Rule!


My son is generous, loving, open, heartwarming, and he has many desirable and honorable traits.

He is world-class at Mario Kart, and we play a lot of Mario Golf too.

But before you feel jealousy for his attainments, please consider that he doesn’t speak in back-and-forth conversations, and he possesses no concept of money.

I said “we don’t have enough money.”

Unimpressed, he commanded me to “buy more money!”

When you think about it, he’s actually an investing savant.

Every successful investment I ever made was purchasing an income stream.

We were cleaning up recently, and I asked him to put a floor mat down in front of the refrigerator.

He put it inside.

A floor mat in the refrigerator.

Apparently, in his mind, that seemed like the place to put it; after all, I said something to him about the refrigerator.

You shouldn’t feel envy for his attainments.


My son has never known financial lack. In that sense, he’s very wealthy.

He doesn’t want for many objects, and we could easily afford to give him everything he wanted even before the empowerment.

If you want to obsess over toilet paper, well….

The tower of toilet paper, a treasure beyond compare. I wish my favorite toys were so simple, and cheap.

But being “rich” is more than that.

If your only want is his money, and no other aspect of his life, only so that you could have unlimited spending power, then jealousy really isn’t your problem.

You’re haunted by the Hungry Ghost.

Please see Hungry Ghosts and the Magic Wish-Fulfilling Tree.


This will put you in the mood.

Whenever I rejoice in the virtues and accomplishments of those with greater attainments than mine, it makes them feel good, and it makes me feel fantastic.

Did this writing help you?

Do you feel that you can see the light shining brightly at the end of the tunnel?

Rejoice in that!!!

You are better off than when you started.

You have no reason to be jealous. If those feelings arise, you won’t find them so hard to ignore.

My life, my family life, that can be your life — if you chose it.

Wouldn’t it be wonderful to live in a world of Love, Acceptance, and purity of Heart?

It’s yours.

You can have that right now!

Take the next step. Please rejoice in my family’s good fortune.

Live for a moment like we live every day!

It will make you feel fantastic!

Celebrate with Us!

I want to lift you back up, higher and higher.

It’s time to put all your troubles aside and celebrate.

Come celebrate with me and my family!

Feel the joy vicariously through us.

Rejoice with us.

If you allow yourself for even a moment to feel those feelings, you can have a taste of that power and joy. I promise you will love it!

Listen to this song and sing with me! Feel it. Really let yourself GO!

There’s a party goin’ on right here
A celebration to last throughout the years
So bring your good times and your laughter too
We gonna celebrate your party with you
Come on now

Celebrate good times, come on (It’s a celebration)
Celebrate good times, come on (Let’s celebrate)

It’s time to come together
It’s up to you, what’s your pleasure?
(Everyone around the world come on)


The Morning After and the Rest of Our Lives

The Very Special Heart Quasar for My Tribe

Special needs parenting is challenging in ways other parents don’t face. We share a unique bond — a shared emotional experience others can only imagine.

We are a tribe.

I have one last gift for you and that special person in your life.

The young man above has only known Love, Acceptance, and a feeling of Wholeness.

You can give your special person that life — if you choose to.

Do you need more Qi to do it? Let me give you some.

Imagine the person above is your special person. The empty seat is yours.

Sit with your special someone, play the song How Could Anyone, and your Heart Quasar will BLAZE!!!

Hold that feeling for as long as you can. It will change everything!

Shaina Noll, A million thanks for a million tears, washing the stains of pain from my heart. First, You helped me accept myself, then you helped me accept my son. All the love in the Universe to you!!!

A Special Needs Parent’s User’s Manual for the Heart

When realized my son was different and autism was to blame (notice the victim feeling), I scoured the Internet looking for advice.

I didn’t realize I had a choice of interpretation from day one, so I followed my initial reaction — this sucks — accepted it as Truth, and sealed my fate.

I wish I had found a manual like this one back in the day.

It would have saved me years of heartache.

If you want to honor me, Please forward this Love to every family you know touched by special needs.

They will thank you for it.

Honor my Anonymity

If you enjoyed reading my story, if you found it uplifting or inspiring, I have one request.

I want a specific experience only you can give me.

I think it would be glorious.

I want to be out, being myself, and overhear excited talk about this work or something else Anatta publishes.

I want a kind stranger to share warm feelings about Anatta’s work with me directly, one-on-one — having no idea I am Anatta!

That experience would be (will be) priceless!

Nothing but pure personal satisfaction.

I want any Love from this work directed into the Universe — Not at ME!

Please don’t reveal who I am and rob me of that.

Allow me to remain Anatta, merely a conduit of Love with No Self to take any for me.

Blogging is Life

I was the primary writer on a popular blog for 10 years.

That’s where I Practiced and learned Craft.

(Did you think this materialized, wrapped in a bow from the Gods?)

See: Why I write on Medium.

Comments on the Internet

The Blog ran a threaded comments section with over 32,000 entries, all of which I read.

I’ve seen nearly every aspect of humanity on display through those words and images.

(Old fans, if you piece together the clues above please, please don’t reveal who I am, even accidentally.)

Anonymous comments are often the place where those little voices inside go looking for an outlet.

I have multiple pen names for different interests of mine, and each is animated by a different voice inside me.

I am many people on the internet, and probably, so are many of you.

Emotions demand a voice of their own. They find outlet through our imaginary identities in anonymous comments.

Unfortunately, these voices, when powered by anger or jealousy can be driven to say rotten things.

I hope not to see that here.

I Honor You

If you offer an astute observation in the comments below, rest assured I will read it.

And I will honor you by reading it with a completely open heart.

If you wish to stick a dagger in it, that is your choice.

If you address me, Anatta, I will respond with what is in my heart.

If you don’t address me, I may respond to your comment if I feel it appropriate, again from my heart.

I don’t seek ongoing dialogue.

I prefer to leave others the last word, particularly an atrociously trollish one.

Edits, and the Cause of Dyslexia

You may see edits. I am the sole editor, final verification of Truth.

I scan for jarring word errors, but I don’t catch them all.

When words match feelings and I perceive Aptness, the bond is formed, and the correct word appears on the page, like magic.

However, when the spelling is wrong or “please” becomes “pleas,” Consciousness doesn’t catch the mistake.

What’s worse, my brain overrules my eye, and I see the right word, but the page actually displays the wrong one to consciousness (See Anil Seth videos for how this works).

It’s like dyslexia.

I will fix those when I find them or have them pointed out to me.

Dynamic Art

Do you want to feel personally connected to this work and thereby rejoice with all who receive it’s blessings?

I imagine you want that.

This is a dynamic piece of art that will take the form of all the pure hearts who touch it.

Here is your challenge.

Reach into you heart and your inner goodness will appear in a box, fully-typed, ready to press “Respond,” wrapped in a bow from the Gods.

You don’t need to practice Craft with Me. I will hear you.

Astute Observations

A truly astute observation organically adds to the writing, improves it, and provides one final boost of joy to the reader who couldn’t get enough, not in a craving, draining way, but in an uplifting joyous celebration!

Please, Readers, show me how astute you are!

Finally, the end. You can relax now.

Shaina Noll, You have the voice of an angel. First, you saved me, then you saved my son. Thanks a million for the million tears that washed the stains from my heart.

Spreading the Love

This ongoing list represents Hearts that Resonate with Mine.

People that Inspiration brought forth later and directed me to the Source.

I can’t miss spreading the Love. More names will appear over time.

Cory Doctorow

Dan Foster

Shaina Noll



About Anatta. How to Quote Anatta. Contact:

Anatta only responds to requests from the Heart.




Buddhist practitioner and writer. My autistic son is the focus of my spiritual practice. He inspires me with his love and companionship.